Letting People In, Is it a Season, Reason, or Lifetime?
In this lifetime, we will have the opportunity to meet many new people and create new relationships. However, it's becoming more common that people are struggling with uncertainty related to new relationships. Is it worth my time, effort, or risk of heartache? Some people have compared it to a field of landmines, feeling like if they take the wrong step everything will just blow up. With the growing awareness of establishing healthy boundaries, especially after experiencing heartbreak, many are asking themselves (and their therapist) if it is worth it to keep putting themselves out there. Whether it's forming new friendships, dating, or reconnecting with family members, people are choosing more selectively, often deciding that maybe it’s time to sit this one out. The great challenge is that we often don’t know if the people we are meeting are meant to be in our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime. This decision is often dependent on how we show up for each other in these relationships and when challenges arise are we able to navigate the impasses.
Understanding What’s a reason, season, or lifetime relationship
Reason-Based Relationships: These connections enter our lives for a specific purpose. They often appear to help us learn a lesson, provide support during tough times, or guide us towards a certain path. These purposeful relationships provide us with the wisdom and strength needed to navigate life's challenges. While they may not be permanent fixtures, their impact is lasting. A mentor during a career change, a friend who helps through a personal crisis, or even a one-night stand as the song “Reasons” by Earth, Wind and Fire tells the story about can be examples of reason-based relationships. Once these reasons go away so does the relationship. This can be a painful experience for people when they did not know their relationship was reason-based and it can be helpful to communicate verbally and with one’s actions that the relationship is dependent upon an outcome.
Seasonal Relationships: These relationships are a part of our lives for a defined period that is often associated with stages of identity. For example, childhood friends, romantic relationships, mentors, and even some familial relationships can be seasonal. They are the relationships that leave a meaningful impact on our lives and how we have grown to see ourselves. They have brought joy during a period of sorrow; great lessons during periods of exponential growth, and memories that can shape the patterns of future relationships. When there has been an impasse or a significant trauma in one of these relationships people may find it difficult to move forward in the relational life, as they may struggle to trust again, meet new people, or accept that the relationship has ended. There can be a significant amount of grief that warrants support from a professional when one decides that the relationship is for a season rather than the lifetime they had hoped for. There are times when those in involved can work out their differences for the relationship to withstand a lifetime, but that is usually only able to happen when the parties involved decide to shift their behavior or their perspective.
Lifetime Relationships: These are the rare and precious connections that endure through all seasons and reasons. Lifetime relationships withstand the test of time, distance, and change. They are often built on deep mutual respect, understanding, and unconditional support. These relationships, whether with family members, lifelong friends, or romantic partners, are the bedrock of our emotional and social well-being. They evolve with us, adapting to our growth and the reprioritizing of the values that we live by at each stage of life.
The Impact of Boundaries
As I have alluded to earlier, the development of boundaries can have a great impact on determining which category your relationships fall into. Boundaries protect our emotional space, ensure respect, and prevent burnout from overextending ourselves. Experiences of frequent heartache can lead some to withdraw and put up much more firm boundaries, that only let in the few tried and true. The risk of this is that you can find yourself feeling lonely and longing for more. Others fear establishing boundaries because doing so can lead to the realization that certain relationships may need to change or end. It might bring about challenging conversations that many people find exhausting and have not had experience successfully repairing relationships in the past. When you have not personally experienced or witnessed repair in a relationship it can feel impossible, and one can easily label the relationship as a reason or season-based relationship that is no longer serving us.
With increased awareness around mental health and personal well-being, the concept of boundaries has become more prominent. So how can we balance the natural human desire for connection with creating peace in our lives? Deciding who gets to be near us vs. who you need to maintain more firm boundaries and distance may need to become a part of the equation. Boundaries are what determine if a relationship ends up being for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Many people become overwhelmed with the construction of these boundaries and the remodeling that is often required after you experience new people and situations, you grow and learn how you want to be treated.
What’s with the hesitation to form new connections?
Many individuals today express a reluctance to meet new people, and this hesitation can stem from various factors:
1. Past Experiences: Previous negative experiences in relationships can create a fear of vulnerability and hurt. It’s natural to want to protect oneself from potential pain. And to be honest, we must go through challenging experiences. These experiences can shape what we value, and how we behave, and even impact our sense of self. But some people have experienced traumatic events that teach them that this world is not safe and to maintain that safety you need to put more energy into being cautious of the world and the people you meet. When you find yourself having multiple traumatic or troublesome relationships it may be a good time to seek out professional support.
2. Time and Effort: Building and maintaining relationships require time and energy, both of which are limited resources. People are often juggling numerous responsibilities, and many are finding that creating new friendships is lower on their priority list, especially if there are no guarantees from these relationships. Surveys show that Americans are spending less and less time with friends and in social gatherings compared to over a decade ago, which equates to having fewer close friendships that typically last a lifetime. One study found that on average you need to spend 60 hours with a new acquaintance before they become a casual friend which if you spent 2 hours per week with someone would take you about 7 months. And if you are looking to become close friends with someone it can take over 160 hours. Researchers also found that the bond was found to be greatest when people found a leisurely activity, they were able to do with each other.
3. Quality Over Quantity: As we grow older, the value of deep, meaningful relationships becomes clearer. Many prefer a few strong connections which makes sense given what was highlighted above regarding how much time is typically spent to create deep meaningful connections. It leaves many people foregoing an attempt to make new connections that could become close friendships. They can avoid what might feel like drama or save energy to put to other responsibilities in their lives.
4. Digital Disconnect: The superficiality of social media can make real-life interactions seem daunting. There is an opportunity to make meaningful connections through social media platforms, but it requires an effort. Many feel intimidated on these platforms as we often see someone’s curated reality. Taking things offline requires each party to understand that “IRL will likely differ significantly from the highlight reel and accepting that flaws we were not prominently displaying online will begin to come to light.
Navigating Relationships
When deciding who to let into our lives, it’s helpful to consider the following:
1. Well-being & Self-care: The best way to be prepared to navigate old and new relationships is by taking care of your own needs with good habits and hobbies. How are you showing up for yourself to engage meaningfully in relationships? I’m biased in stating that therapy can be a tool to identify and address relational patterns that are getting in the way of deep connections. Concerning the relationship, ask yourself is this relationship allowing me to lean into my values, support and develop my interests or hobbies, or am I feeling pulled to give up aspects of my life that are important to me?
2. Embrace the reality of no guarantees: Deciding if someone is going to be in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime can require time and a commitment to getting to know someone. Of course, there are situations when we realize early on that a relationship with a particular person is not going to serve us regarding how we want to live our lives. However, we can misjudge a new acquaintance when we are stuck in old patterns that are no longer beneficial or applicable to this new stage of life. I encourage people to ask themselves, what is happening that is leading you to believe that this is someone you don’t want in your life? What concerns do you have about exploring this relationship further? It is important to be open to new connections if this is what you desire, but asking these questions can assist you with selecting how you want to move forward in your relationships.
4. Recognize the Lessons: Every relationship allows us to learn more about ourselves and to practice our interpersonal skills. Building your relational capacity can help to combat feelings of loneliness and isolation. Developing a realistic expectation of relationships comes with more exposure and experience. Remember developing quality relationships with our friends and family is associated with an increased level of happiness.
Conclusion
Deciding who gets to be in our lives is a deeply personal process. It involves balancing openness with discernment, valuing quality over quantity, and prioritizing our well-being. By understanding the different types of relationships and respecting each other’s boundaries, we can navigate our connections more wisely. Whether a relationship is for a season, a reason, or a lifetime, each one plays a crucial role in our personal growth and happiness. Cherish the journey and the people you meet along the way, but always remain true to yourself. If you or someone you know is interested in working on creating healthy relationships then check out Bloom and Build Integrative Psychiatry to set up a consultation.
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About the Author: Dr. Alecia Greenlee is an adult psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive psychiatry and family therapy. She is an advocate for helping people create community and establish healthy boundaries that allows them to bloom and build from where they are. When she is not working with patients in her private practice she is enjoying time with her own family and friends.
