How Are You Protecting Your Relationships From the “isms?”
Many of the people I work with are often able to see how the “isms” impact their ability to perform at work, school, or other places where you might gather with associates or strangers. When discussing racism, sexism, heterosexism, classism, and ableism, we must also consider the power of oppression in our more intimate relationships. Navigating these systems of oppression outside of our close relationships is painful but can be easier to escape compared to how they are at play within our close relationships.
It can be difficult for even the victim of this oppression to see when these power dynamics are at play. For example, in heterosexual couples, the wife often finds herself doing the domestic housework, feeling that if she doesn’t do it, then it will never get done. After deconstructing this problem, we find that sexism shows up in the relationship. This happens even in relationships where both partners have expressed a strong desire for equality. Somehow, some way, sexism penetrates the bond.
Issues of racism can show up in any romantic relationship, interracial or not. Hateful speech such as, “That’s why I don’t usually date [insert race] because you all act like [insert stereotype]” is a sign that racism is alive and well in your relationships. Or it can be more subtle and appear kind, with statements like, “You aren’t like other [insert race] women.” As a Black woman, I can speak from personal and professional experience regarding these statements.
Within many families, heterosexism remains a pervasive system that often oppresses LGBTQ family members. Family members gossip about who might be gay as though the person being discussed is unaware of the gossip. Newsflash: they know you are talking SHIT! These “isms” can tear couples and families apart. So I have begun to ask, how are you protecting your relationships from these systems of oppression? How are you showing up to be an agent of change in your personal and intimate relationships?
Not to be too cliché, but I believe the first step is that all parties must be willing to assess if their relationship is protected from oppressive societal systems of power. If you can acknowledge that the power dynamics may not meet your ideal of equality, then what can you do to shift this? What must you give up to create an equitable relationship? And what does equity even look like on a personal level? I encourage such questioning, especially if you are running into impasses in your personal life.
Many of us have grown to question oppression in society at large, but we struggle with how it may show up with the ones we love. Fear that the relationship will suffer irreparable harm if these isms are acknowledged leaves many people silent and hurting. The great fear is that the ones with power will be unwilling or unable to make the necessary shifts. Unfortunately, there are times when these shifts do not happen, or the person is outright rejected, and the power dynamic is upheld. However, I have witnessed how acknowledging oppression and making changes to create more equity can positively affect a relationship.
Sometimes making these shifts requires professional support to facilitate productive and meaningful change. If you want to work with a therapist who is comfortable having conversations about how systems of oppression might affect your personal life, please check Bloom and Build Integrative Psychiatry. If you are ready to make a shift book a consult to see if were are a good fit.
About the Author: Dr. Alecia Greenlee is an adult psychiatrist who specializes in addressing the impact of systemic oppression on personal and professional relationships. With a background in integrative psychiatry, Dr. Greenlee has dedicated her career to helping people navigate the complex dynamics of power, privilege, and equity. As a passionate advocate for social justice, Dr. Greenlee brings both personal experience and professional expertise to her work, offering a compassionate and insightful perspective on overcoming the challenges posed by racism, sexism, heterosexism, classism, and ableism. She is currently practicing at Bloom and Build Integrative Psychiatry, where she supports clients in fostering healthier, more equitable relationships.
