I'm Not Catching Feelings: Unpacking the Stories We Tell Ourselves About Love

In my years of practice, I've witnessed countless moments where the human heart reveals its profound wisdom. There's a particular phenomenon that continues to emerge in my conversations with people navigating the modern dating landscape – the careful dance of pretending not to "catch feelings." You might recognize this moment: your heart quickens at their text, joy bubbles up unbidden at a shared memory, and immediately, almost instinctively, you begin the work of containing these emotions, telling yourself, "This isn't supposed to be serious."

The Stories We're Told About Catching Feelings

Our contemporary culture has woven intricate narratives about emotional vulnerability in dating. These stories suggest that catching feelings too soon is dangerous, that keeping things casual is safer, that our hearts should operate with the same calculated precision as our digital devices. In my practice, I've observed how these narratives shape not just how we date, but how we relate to our own capacity for connection.

But let's pause and reflect: Who truly benefits from these stories? What happens to our authentic selves when we try to program our hearts to follow arbitrary rules about when and how deeply we should feel?

Rewriting the Narrative of Emotional Control

The belief that we can simply decide not to develop feelings during intimate connections is perhaps one of the most persistent myths I encounter in my work. It's as though we've convinced ourselves that we can selectively mute certain aspects of our humanity – as impossible as telling ourselves we won't feel moved by a beautiful sunset or touched by an act of kindness.

When someone tells me "I'm not catching feelings," I often hear the deeper narratives beneath:

• "I'm afraid of being hurt again"

• "I don't feel safe showing vulnerability"

• "I'm trying to protect myself from rejection"

• "I've learned that my feelings aren't welcome"

The Hidden Costs of Our Current Story

Through countless therapeutic conversations, I've witnessed a profound pattern emerge when we try to maintain emotional distance in intimate connections. Many people describe experiencing a deep sense of loneliness and anxiety in their daily lives, even as they perfectly execute the performance of being "unbothered." This disconnect often manifests in a subtle internal dialogue: "I'm fine with casual," "This doesn't mean anything," "I can handle this without getting attached." Yet beneath these self-protective narratives lies a genuine longing for deeper connection – for love expressed through action, for authentic attachment, for recognition, respect, safety, and care.

When we prioritize emotional detachment as a form of strength, we often find ourselves:

• Increasingly disconnected from our lived emotional experiences

• Exhausted from maintaining the internal conflict between connection and protection

• Developing patterns of anxiety in relationships as we vigilantly guard our hearts

• Missing opportunities for authentic connection and self-discovery

Alternative Stories: What If Catching Feelings Wasn't the Enemy?

What if we viewed our capacity to develop feelings not as a weakness to be prevented, but as evidence of our deep human ability to connect and grow? What if, instead of asking "How can I avoid catching feelings?" we asked:

• "What is this emotional response teaching me about what I truly value?"

• "How might my life transform if I honored my feelings while maintaining healthy boundaries?"

• "What stories about love and connection do I want to embody?"

Writing a New Story About Emotional Connection

Through my work, I've found that healing often begins when we examine the stories that shape our relationships:

1. Examine Your Current Narrative:

• What stories about emotional vulnerability have you inherited?

• Who taught you these stories, and do they still serve your growth?

• What alternative stories about connection resonate with your authentic self?

2. Challenge the "Control" Narrative:

• How is emotional control serving or limiting your capacity for connection?

• What might emerge if you allowed yourself to experience feelings more fully?

• How might your relationships transform if you led with authenticity?

Moving Toward Authentic Stories

If you find yourself in the pattern of denying or minimizing your feelings, consider:

1. Getting Curious About Your Feelings: Instead of judgment, approach your emotional responses with gentle curiosity. What might they be revealing about your needs and values?

2. Exploring Alternative Narratives: What would it look like to approach dating with both emotional honesty and healthy boundaries? How might authenticity and self-protection coexist?

3. Building a Support System: Who in your life models healthy emotional expression? How might their examples inspire your own journey?

A Closing Reflection

Remember, catching feelings isn't a design flaw in your emotional architecture – it's a sign that your heart is working exactly as it should. The question isn't whether you'll develop feelings in intimate connections, but how you'll honor those feelings while taking care of yourself.

You deserve to write a story about love and connection that includes all of you – not just the parts that feel safe or socially acceptable. What story would you like to write about your journey with love and connection? How might your relationship with yourself and others transform if you allowed yourself to be the author of that story?

After all, the most powerful stories aren't about avoiding feelings – they're about growing through them, learning from them, and using them to create deeper, more meaningful connections with ourselves and others.

Taking the Next Step

If you find yourself consistently struggling with the pattern of suppressing emotions in relationships or experiencing anxiety around emotional vulnerability, know that support is available. As an integrative psychiatrist, I offer a space where you can explore these patterns safely and work toward authentic connection while honoring your need for emotional security. To begin your journey of understanding and transforming your relationship with emotional vulnerability, you can schedule a consultation through our secure online portal or call our office directly.

About the Author

Dr. Alecia Greenlee is a board-certified integrative psychiatrist whose practice combines evidence-based psychiatric care with a deep understanding of cultural narratives and relational patterns. Through her work at Bloom & Build Integrative Psychiatry, she specializes in helping individuals navigate the complexities of modern relationships while honoring their authentic emotional experiences. Dr. Greenlee's approach is informed by her extensive training in both Western psychiatry and holistic healing modalities, allowing her to address both the biological and narrative aspects of emotional well-being. Her commitment to whole-person care is reflected in her integrative approach to mental health, emphasizing the importance of understanding both personal stories and broader cultural contexts in healing.